Crap Non-joke

"My wife has gone to to the Carribean."

"Jaimaca?"

"If I'm honest, my indifference as a husband and selfishness as a lover were probably contributing factors to her move."

"No. Jamaica. The island."

"Oh. No. Dominican Republic."

2000 Year Old Advertisement

This was in the "Local Ads" section of an ancient news-papyrus discovered in a cave near the Dead Sea Scrolls:

Do you need a miracle?

"Hi. I'm Jesus* and I'm in the Messiah business. I recently held an important conference with around 5000 of my franchisees. I had just given my "Happy are..." sermon, which went down a treat, and was breaking for lunch as per the agenda when it came to light that Mark (Facilities Officer) had mistakenly under-booked the loaves and fishes by a factor of a thousand.

I was about to panic when Peter (CFO) suggested I try the Golden Scrolls. I followed the simple index to find caterers in the local area and before you could say "Lamb Of God" there were fish sandwiches for all.

Thanks Golden Scrolls!"

The Golden Scrolls - miracles are possible!

*Jesus Christ was paid a small gratuity for participating in this advertisement.

Celebrity

Celebrity is based on the following two facts:

1. We like to see ordinary people succeed because it shows us that we can too.

2. We like to see successful people fail because it it shows that they're ordinary just like us.

Here endeth the lesson.

A joke?

Knock! Knock!

"Who's there?"

"Please let me out."

"Please let me out who?"

"Please! I won't tell anyone. I didn't even see your face!"

"I don't get it."

Stupid Monkey Joke

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was holding on to the first one.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Well everyone else was doing it!

A Small Victory...

Some mischief I got up to after a few beers one night, blogged here for posterity.

Roadtards - A Statistical Analysis

Now that summer is here, there will be a large influx of visitors to my seaside hometown of Tramore, Co. Waterford in Ireland. I thoroughly approve of visitors - good for the economy, a nice buzz around town and it feels like being on holiday myself. However, the one thing that drives me nuts about all these visitors is that they all seem to be driven here by half-blind donkey-fuckers who have never even seen a copy of the rules of the road in their lives.

Therefore, over the past number of years I have been collating the various driving offences against other common traits these drivers have. Examining these behaviours using statistical best practices have yielded the following commonalities between driving offences and driver characteristics:

• Speeding Drivers: These drivers are known to have an Oedipus-type fixation with their mothers and often hide cameras around the house to capture their mothers in various states of undress.
• Drivers who don't indicate on roundabouts: A common factor among these drivers is that they have been rejected by the priesthood for being too pervy. If you show them a picture of an ultrasound pregnancy scan they will spontaneously ejaculate.
• People with fogs lights on when it's not foggy: The excessive use of fog lights is known to have links with the need to demonstrate ones "whiteness" and is mandatory for members of the KKK and BNP. These people may not immediately seem racist but if you converse with them for a short time they cannot help interjecting words such as "them blacks", "gooks", "coons", "jungle-bunnies", "wops", "dagos" and of course the "N" word. Which is "Nigger".
• People who treat a single-lane roundabout like a double-lane one and try to pull up inside\outside of you: These are amongst the lowest of the low in our society. They get jobs in bakeries and then wank into the dough, laughing like hyenas, the scum.

This list, while being entirely accurate,  is not exhaustive and I will be adding to it as my research continues to yield results. If you find yourself in one of these categories I hope you die of prostate\ovarian cancer in a country which hasn't discovered morphine. Seriously.